


Night

by EvilbabyRey



Series: Starcrossed [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: At least in process of redeeming?, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo also needs to stop force-choking people, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghosts, He tried ok, How Do I Tag, Hux is a blabbermouth, Hux is so fucking money hungry, I'm doing a whole 3 part series just for fun, I'm triying, Implied Poe Dameron/Finn, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Like REAL slow burn, Luke is not an asshole, Minor Leia Organa/Han Solo, Minor Rose Tico/Hux, Not Canon Compliant, Quite Literally, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey has a bit of social & general anxiety disorder, Reylo - Freeform, Sassy Rey (Star Wars), She's kinda paranoid sometimes?, She's the Kenobi to his Skywalker, Slow Burn, Srsly this is just for fun, and he's kinda good I guess, because he's that resentful bitch, disney references I DON'T CARE, he will make Ben pay, he's pretty ok about being thrown into walls, he's trying ok, i'm sorry in advance, srlsy this is slow burn as fuck, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2020-07-19 22:57:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19981936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilbabyRey/pseuds/EvilbabyRey
Summary: Radio silence.Rey finally understands what it means.After the Battle of Crait, she had to shut everything down. He has left her no choice.But what if?xxFirst of all: if you are looking for a hate-love fic, with a lot of screaming and angry makeout and angry sex - this might not be it chief. This is quite vanilla and self- indulgent. (Sorry!)This is also a Ben Solo redemption fic, and might be a bit unconventional. Rey feels guilty about leaving him alone, Ben feels guilty for asking her to follow where she can't go. They (re)bond a year after Crait. I mostly wrote this for fun, so I hope someone out there enjoys it. (and yes, I'm making Disney references.)





	1. Imsonia

**Author's Note:**

> So! _Hello there._  
>  I'm not a new writer, but my previous works are mostly ~~disgraceful~~ non-related to Star Wars. Still, please treat me like a rookie. (I'm very nervous :s)
> 
> Also, English is not my first language and I don't have a beta - I just edit it 10 times and pray for the best. :') 
> 
> As I said on the summary, I'm justing doing this for both practice and fun. I'm not trying to fix anything from the original, just trying to do a different take on it. For one, Rey has a bit more troublesome relationship with the Force, and is a bit more anxious, less confident. I must warn you that there are things that she thinks that's not really her - it's the anxiety. Ben is also more inclined to the light than he thinks he is - seduced, indeed. *winks*  
> I plan on making 10 chapters or so, but the number might increase as my writing evolves. This chapter in special is shorter than the rest - I don't know why exactly it ended up that way, but I plan to explain more as the story progresses. 
> 
> HAVE FAITH ON ME
> 
> I hope you enjoy it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Battle of Crait, she had to shut everything down. He has left her no choice. It was pointless to think otherwise.

_Radio silence_.

Rey finally understands what it means. 

After the Battle of Crait, she had to shut everything down. He has left her no choice. _It was pointless to think otherwise._

"...new leadership is weak. The new Supreme Leader is proving himself to be inept to-"

She zones out from Poe's voice, the name of _him_ so wrong on her ears. Her hands feel numb, and she knows she should be paying attention to the meeting but… There’s something gnawing at her heart. 

At the time it seemed the _right_ choice; she could not say yes to the dark, nor leave the Resistance behind - or _rule the galaxy_. It would have been stupid.

"...reckless. There's too much at stake."

_But what if?_

She felt anger, at the time; she didn’t understand. He could have followed her, he could have left everything behind - his evil master was dead, and everything he needed was on the other side of the war. Rey felt angry, too, when he exposed all her pain and insecurity; he made her admit out loud things she was still not ready to say. About her parents, about herself, about leaving the past behind.

A year later Rey starts to think he might have been right. Well, in some parts.

Her parents were not coming back to her, and did not love her - that was one. No matter what she said to others, until Crait there was still a tiny drop of hope inside her. That was because she had been _still holding on to the past_ . The confront also made Rey came to terms that she _is_ changed, no longer just a scavenger; but the responsibility on her hands scared her like nothing else.

She tried to ignore his words for months, but the longer she mulled over it, the more she felt that he wasn’t totally lost - that she could have saved him. It was _Ben Solo_ who asked her to stay, not Kylo Ren; she knows it now. Kylo would have taken what he wanted.

Ben said _please_.

Their farewell is somehow more raw after a year than on the first months following it. His face - Ben looked so crestfallen, when she shook her head - she almost stopped. Maybe she should have. Maybe Rey just didn’t try enough. 

Now she is grieving for it.

Perhaps Leia knew. That, or she was too scared to lose Rey to any external danger; and with that perspective, she talked her way into keeping the last Jedi secure within the Resistance's walls. 

But no matter what, Rey never felt _right_. She gave up too easily.

Sometimes this haunts her dreams, her nightmares - his hand never fails to stand. Always pleading, his dark eyes, always _hopeful_.

_Rey_.

" _Rey_?" It's his mother's voice that shakes her awake. The room is looking at her, waiting. _Too many eyes_.

It's terrifying.

"What do you think?"  
  
The scavenger swallows dry, knowing Poe is growing impatient - the whole room is. She feels everything, their expectations, their hope. She's it. _The last Jedi_.

"I think the risk is too great, and I don’t feel that the moment is right." She tries to be assertive, counting on the parts she did pay attention to infer what the plan was about - sending out all their manpower to strike at the First Order’s main base and finish the war for once and for all. Rey shivers at the thought, but her statement is true. _The risk is too great_.  
  
"Thank you." She only does breath again after the General nods, turning to the Commander to keep the meeting going. Her heart constricts a bit.

It hadn't always been like that.

In the first months, the scavenger had her anger to feed her passion; it would make her shrug off the lack of sleep, the overtasking, the lack of time for her actual Jedi duties. But it the last few months, Rey had difficulty keeping up her rhythm; her body wasn’t keeping up anymore. Insomnia was her new constant companion, alongside a strange lack of appetite. Perhaps she was getting sick.  
  
“That will be all. Dismissed.” Leia waves, and Rey is one of the first ones to leave. There’s somewhere she wants to go - the tech team area.

It helps her forget.

It's a fairly quiet place. The _buzz_ and _clangs_ of machinery and metal is a melody of comfort to her. It's instinctive, like a native language - at least in comparison to the one she has to use to engage with people. The desert was never kind, and it taught Rey that you either completely trust someone or you don't. The gray zone in which the rest of society fit in was always confusing. Rose, thankfully, falls among the ones she feels comfortable with - she doesn't mind that Rey stutters and freezes from time to time, never looks at her like she's the bringer of great knowledge and harbinger of peace. To her, she's just her friend.

"Bad meeting?" It's only when Rose speaks that the scavenger notes where her feet led to. There's a screwdriver on her hand.

She nods curtly.

"Yeah." _Poe wanted to initiate a terrorist attack_. "You could say that." 

Rey tries to laugh nonetheless.

  
"Well, I don't envy you." She asks for a tool, Rey crouchs to deliver it. Rose disappears under the belly of a ship for a few seconds, then getting her protection mask off to smile up at her comrade. "I'm glad my smarts are only useful to work in these beauties." She nods her head at the ships, smiling to Rey in understanding.

She answers with a shy tilt of lips, offering her a hand as to help Tico get up.

"Thanks." She cleans her hands on her uniform, silent for a second."Oh- Hey! Forgot to tell you! Heard Chewie and Han are about to be back." For the first time in a while, Rey shares her excitement. The _Millenium Falcon_ was always a welcome sight to her eyes - it's a sprinkle of change on her dull routine. Han is a box full of surprises, and always have new stories to share.

_Like the father you never had_.

Her smile falters, but Rose never notices - Finn is running at them.

" _Lunch time, baby!_ " His arms are just as wide as his grin; it's the sort of enthusiasm that draws bad feelings away, giving Rey a fair distraction from her grim thoughts. 

"Someone is awfully happy for food today." Rose muses as Finn hangs an arm in each girl's shoulders. He frowns.

"Who isn't?"

He, Rose and Rey became little clan of sorts - at least ever since _that_. It came naturally, to develop a friendship with the two of them; Finn was the one she knew the longest, and it was easy to relax with his presence, his clumsy tactics. He felt like a brother Rey never had. Rose, on the other hand, was hard-working, optimistic, candid - and most important, she knew how to deal with the former stormtrooper tendency to over-dramatize things - she was like the elder sister to the trio. 

They’ve made a habit of trying to have all their meals together, but sometimes their schedules would not match; Rey and Rose had weird working hours, as they dealt frequently with emergency fixings, and Finn got stuck with the Intel, that periodically was with full hands with the ones sent to missions outside. Lunchtime, although, is _sacred_.

Poe - _Commander_ , she reminds herself - tries to be part of it from time to time, but there's always a problem to solve and someone to meet. As the months passed, he became more and more busy, tired, different. Finn is the one who gets to see him the most - but even he feels the growing distance.

Smoke's death had probably something to do with it. The new Leader - as Rey would objectively refer to _him_ when it was demanded of her - still had to establish himself as the new power. The New Order lost some of the original support after the New Republic's destruction, a bit more after Crait, and the uncertainty of the arising power only contributes to its growing frailty.

But even as the Rebellion gains favor, it doesn't mean that the Order is close to losing the war. If it's even a war at all, at this point - six months or so after Crait, the First Order was surprisingly quiet.   
  
Or so Finn says.

"I don't get it." He speaks as he chews, but Rey doesn't mind. Rose scrunches her nose. "Silence is never good."

"Shouldn't we be happy about it?" The smaller mechanics shrugs, eyes doubtfully scanning the former stormtrooper. "At least _I_ am happy that there are just as many ships leaving the base as there are returning."

"No, no, you don't get it- I’m happy for that too, but I can’t help but feel that things feel fishy. For what I remember, to go low profile means there's a need for regrouping _or_ there's something keeping them at bay- something... _C_ _ooking_." He air quotes, smiling in expectation.

“Is that one of your weird references?” Rey mutters, frowning in bemusement. 

" _Yes_. The Intergalactic Wrestling Entertainment - you said you were going to watch it!" Finn points acuselly to Rey, who shrugs and feigns ignorance. "How _could_ you. You promised me!" Finn spits too excitedly, and a bit of food falls on Rey's hand.  
  
“Don’t waste food.” Rey complains, smiling slightly. “I have no memory of promising that I would watch.”  
  
“You did-!” He wants to complain more, but Rose isn’t having it. 

" _Gross!”_ Rose chides, punching him square on the arm - from the way the dark man winces, she's got a _heavy_ right hook. “Chew with your mouth closed!” 

"Let him be." She swats the grain of half-munched rice with a flick, chuckling lightly. “He’s just butt-hurt that I didn’t have time to watch his soap opera.”

“For the last time, all the fights are _real_.” He grits, putting his fists on the table. 

Rey jocosely rolls her eyes. Finn huffs, and starts eating with an open mouth again just out of spite.

“Close your mouth!” She orders, lifting her arm as if to hit him again.

“ _I’m being oppressed_!”

Rey yawns, but this time it’s not to tease Finn - just another night of bad sleep.

“Didn’t sleep much again, did you?” Asks the eldest, looking at Rey with a knowing look. The scavenger stiffens - Rose doesn’t know _why_ she can’t properly sleep, but there’s weight on her eyes. It makes Rey ashamed. 

She never told them of the bond. Her close friends, Leia, the Resistance - they trust her. She can't trust them back.

"I think you're overworked." Rose sighs, stopping Rey's quick rush of anxiety. "Burnout. Ever heard that term?"

"What's that?" Intervenes the only man at the table, putting his elbows too close to Rey's. It's not on purpose, she knows rationally, but still it doesn't stop from taking hers off of the wooden surface. She's too nervous.

"I suppose you don't know either." She mutters, eyeing the Jedi's expectant expression. "Well, it's basically that you're exhausted." Rey blinks, neither affirming nor denying, but she continues. "Look, maybe is not really my business, but… You're my friend. I worry about you." 

"Thank you, Rose." It takes a beat or two - she needs to swallow, both words and food - but it settles. "I just…" There's too much to say, and not enough time: the alarm sounds - a boarding ship, unannounced.

"It's them. The _Falcon_ arrived." Rey jumps from her seat, urgent to see Chewie and Han. "See you later!"

She's not running away when they scream a _bye_ in unison - or so she thinks. Maybe, at the end of it, she’s just too used to run. 

As the outdated ship approaches, her heart gets on her throat. _She waits - this time someone comes for her._

"Kid!" It soothes her, in some way, how Han is always simple, almost too casual about everything- It makes her stop overthinking. At least for a while.

"Hey." She smiles, for reaching neither arms nor hands. As much as they're happy to see each other, there's a silent understanding that both of them are a bit awkward about physical contact. They always hesitate.

His best buddy, on the other hand, knows nothing of the sort. 

He just grabs her and grunts softly in salutation - Rey laughs, even though there's no air left on her lungs. Surprisingly, she doesn’t mind the contact at all.

"I know, I know-" She pats him gently, heaving a little. "It's been a long time."

"Easy on the kid, Chewie. You gonna break her like that." She's suddenly on the ground again, the bigger smuggler helping to fix her shirt down. "You've gotten thinner, haven't ya?"

"You know, it's very rude to comment on a woman's weight." There's the familiar, feminine huff coming from behind Rey - she doesn't need her ears to know it's Leia; Han's eyes are twinkling.

"At least now you can't say I never notice anything."

They banter, for a while; Leia hits him on the chest - Han takes her for a hug and they kiss.

Rey's eyes snap to somewhere else, as if burnt. It's nothing else than a peck - but Rey finds it too intimate. She was never exposed to a husband and wife’s relationship before. Not that she remembers from _her family_ , at least.

They're not her family.

She senses they've sort of adopted her - and she adopted them back - but she can’t fall into denial. Her _actual_ parents traded her for drinking money. They were never good, there was never love; she has to remember that. She has to remember that their treacherous blood flows through her veins - she's their _legacy_. No matter that Rey feels nothing alike them - she was what she was.

Just a desert rat.

Makes her think how unlikely it is - she being called to the Light, to the life of a Jedi and Ben falling to the dark. Ben is a Skywalker, a Organa, a Solo. He's the legacy of heroes, legends - _myths_ , to her, before everything. Yet he did not follow their footsteps - didn’t follow their path. it was as if they've traded places, as if things were upside down. He should have been called to the light and she, to the dark.  
  
There's a pang of guilt on her heart.

Yes, she does not forget the blood on his hands - how he almost killed his own _father_ . He almost killed her too - _murderous snake_ , she remembers spitting on him, when Han fell with a hand on his stomach - yet she can not bring herself to hate him. There’s a seed of a thought that buggers her mind - _what if_ ? What if she had grown into his family, into his brain, would she have fallen as well? Would she not be consumed by _fear_ if her uncle hung a sword above her heart?

_She doesn't know_.

Luke failed him. He told her so before Crait, head hung low and regret on his eyes. It occurs to her that maybe _everyone_ did - how else could he fall to the dark? She feels it could have been avoided - he had _everything_ . A family, a home, security; he had everything she never had.  
  
There’s a hint to a response on her dreams, when she sees things through _his_ innocent eyes - when he's just a child. She feels he’s lonely, she knows he’s scared. There’s a shadow growing in his mind as his parents give him away - dark whispers, lies that feel like truth. Luke, _the heir of Darth Vader_ , should understand.  
  
But didn't. He admitted her so. They failed him. Maybe she failed him too.

_Is he really a monster?_

She keeps her eyes away from them. Her heart feels wrong, conflicted. _She doesn’t know_.

"... invite her to dine with us. Can you, Rey?" She snaps her head up, blinking fast when her eyes prickle. "Rey?" 

"I, huh- Yes. Of course." She nods quickly, trying to stay impassive, yet her nostrils flare when Leia gives her a look.

The brown is too familiar.

"No pressure, kid. I know family dinners are boring and all, but-"

She doesn't deserve their kindness.

"Han!" 

It's not her place.

"What? You keep telling me to eat my veggies! What am I, ten?"  
  
It should have been him.

"Mentally, _yes_."

She took _everything_ from him.

"It's fine!" She cuts them, sensing something starting to burn around her, their signatures- It was getting too much. "What time?"

Han and Leia exchange glances.

Chewie decides that seven is fine.

"Great. Seven o'clock, I'll be there." She nods firmly, not feeling firm at all.

She cowers to the _Falcon_ , hoping that she could fix something. Anything.

_She's great at fixing broken things._

  
xx

  
"What's this?" It's almost ten, Han is definitely snoring on Leia's armchair. The owner smiles, but not to him- It's Rey and her naive eyes, not understanding that the box on her lap is a gift. _They're green_ , the mother muses, _just like Han's_.

"Open at your room. It's yours." She rests a hand at the table, watching her reaction.

She was not expecting that Rey would start crying.

"Oh my- Rey, Rey, what's wrong?" She fusses, sitting by her side.

_Everything_ , she wants to say, _or just me_.

It's just too much. Everyone is caring about her, a nobody, a failure- It _should_ have been him. She wants to explain it, that they have this bond, that he made her feel special, that there's still light in him, that she left him - that she wishes she _didn't_.

She can't because she's sobbing, and even if she tries to be quiet, the snoring stops. Han blinks, confused, mumbling something as he gets up - puts a hand on her shoulder and then waves a good night. Rey can barely blink.

_It's like he's always running away from displays of emotions_.

It's just the women, then. Chewie left earlier; wanted to stay behind, catch some sleep… Something the young orphan would not know tonight.

" _It's- I- Thank you_." It's tough, looking anywhere else but the antique-looking box chest. Seeing her hunched shoulders, defensive posture, Leia doesn't hug her. Rey thanks her yet again, this time silently.

"It was-" She stops herself, or Rey's hiccup does. "It was mine."

It's not a lie, but it doesn't feel exactly like the truth. But to Rey that's just a passing thought - she's taken up at the emotions, how she can't control them, how it just feels too much effort just to breathe, how wrong her own skin feels.

"Take some time off tomorrow." As the hiccups calm down, Leia puts a hand above Rey's arm. She doesn't flinch. "I should have noticed earlier; you've been working too much. You could barely keep up with us at the meeting. You have dark circles." She answers the unspoken _How do you know?_ as green eyes gaze her with uncertainty. Old lips smile, a bit bittersweet in recognition. "It's my fault, really. I'm too used to this rhythm- I've been a political figure since sixteen. It's my day to day, but it's not yours." She pats her absentmindedly, thinking of her heartache. Ben was used to it too. 

But Rey isn't Ben. 

"How old are you, Rey?" She looks younger than her son. But by how much?

She sniffs, shaking her head.

"Blood tests say I'm twenty this year." 

"Oh."

She's nine years younger. Leia tries to imagine her as a small bundle in her arms, while Ben stretches his little arms, curious. 

_Innocent_.

"You need vacations." The General determines, frowning slightly. "Of sorts. I know we're technically at war, but… Meet me by my office after lunch, ok? Then we can properly talk. It's late. Take some rest." 

They hug, at the end of things, but Rey doesn't feel bad about it. It's not intrusive or forced; she needs the comfort. Yet the scavenger's heart still sinks; there's someone out there than needs it more than her.

It's when she gets back in her room she realizes something - this is her first proper _gift_ . And an expensive looking one at that; it was made from copper, she thinks, and it has some gems embedded on its design. It's heavy. Perhaps she doesn't deserve that as well, but greediness fills her heart like sand absorbs water. She wants to _own_ something, to _be_ someone.

To find a place in all of this.

It takes Rey by surprise that the chest opens with a hiss - a bit old fashioned, but in a good way. They called it vintage, she thinks? It's insides are also added some fancy looking fabric inside - it's blue and feels smooth - but her attention was elsewhere. There's books, maps, holoprojectors of all sizes and _it's just marvelous_.

She wishes she had a birthday.

Soon everything is around her bed - the objects inside takes all the space. It's not a big bedroom, but it's not that small either. She tries to see a little bit of everything, but there's just enough hands; all books were carefully opened, but it's a tough language to read and so the holoprojectors soon hold her eyes.

There is _one_ holoprojector that makes her heart sing. _It's calling her_. She presses it open, and is struck by awe; there are images of beautiful landscapes - snowy mountains, high peaks, a lake; beautiful constructions with elegant curves, tinkling softly under the twilight.  
  
She never knew that _cold_ could look so beautiful. 

A soothing melody starts, taking her by surprise - a pleasant one; it feels like something they called a lullaby. The instruments sound ethereal, whispery, _magic_ ; a feminine voice speaks lovingly of the birth of a star, of wishes and dreams. Rey's heart throbs with it. It makes her hold it with higher care, like it's _precious_ . The lilac clouds entrance her, dancing in their exquisite, unsubstantial pattern. She _feels_ the cold breeze upon her face; it makes her gasp. It's not the sharp, unyielding wind of the ice she'd come to know: it's like a kind touch that make her cheeks flush. _Like a lover would_ . The white is a reflection of the sky, soft and inviting. It reminds her of a mother’s arm, a cozy bed, _a sweet embrace_. 

She keeps walking - she feels like she is, it must be a dream - leaving small footprints behind her step. A pair of figures await ahead of her, vague as they stand on the sunlight; but she _knows_ who they are, that they wait for her as they open her arms. She runs to them. _Anything your heart desires will come to you._  
  
Suddenly, there is only dark.

It's the granite - that's the dark she sees. The melody keeps playing as she raises her head, realizing she's sweating on a different floor. The song - it echoes much more now. The muffled echoes of the base are nowhere to be heard.

Her heart flutters, her eyes widen, they search. She's not home anymore.  
  
 _The bond_. _It reconnected_.

He is there, she feels it - _sees_ it: the back of his chair on her view. There's an arm falling lazily from it. His hand is gloved, open, relaxed.

The music continues, yet his signature stays calm. Like he doesn't hear it. Like she isn't even there. Her feet move on their own, forward, to _him_ ; the _pull_ is like a spell, binding her to do it's will, blindly so. He stirs, she stops. 

He is sleeping. 

Like a cat that tries to walk unnoticed, she goes slowly, tiptoeing; her heart is in her throat. She doesn't want to wake him; yet is not his fury that worries her. She's on the enemy's base, on the Supreme Leader's room, yet she never felt safer. It scares her, the foreign feeling that _he would not really hurt her_. It _feels_ like the truth.

As his figure finally comes to view, Rey kneels again, now by his side - she can barely breathe. His dark mane grows longer, covering some of his face; yet she can see some of it. His marble skin reveals dark circles, prominent bones. _He lost weight._ _He looks exhausted_. She shifts down to sit by his feet, then noticing her hand brushes against glass - a bottle of alcohol, to her surprise; Rey never took him for a drinker. The bond seems to have fun in connecting them in the most unpredictable manners - the shirtless sight of him still burns on her eyelids, provoking the same weird feeling she had no name for - yet this is quite different from the rest; it's the first time one of them is not awake.

He sighs on his sleep.

Rey suddenly feels the urge to brush his hair aside, to look at him, to caress him. _To make it better_.

Rey shamefully turns her eyes to his room. 

His bed is perfectly made, but there’s a mess around all of it. There’s his mask, sitting on a weird angle - like he threw it away and never cared to put it back. There’s his saber, by the table, catching dust. There’s no triumph on his surroundings. _Only yearning_.

She really left him alone, it seems. She silently mourns it; what could have been, but will not - she gave it up. It's her fault. She didn't let go of the past. She is still holding on. She's still the Jedi of the Resistance, their symbol of hope, yet- She knows she is not it. Her use of the Force became a little more stable, _yes_ , but the saber was still broken, and she couldn't meditate at all.   
  
It hurts too much.

Everytime she tried, she would be there. He's standing, hand offered to her, still and waiting. 

_Please_. 

A tear slides down - it’s hers, Rey notes. Ben still sleeps. She’s crying again and she _hates_ it - she’s _not_ a victim. She's the owner of her decisions, her destiny, her mistakes. She's the last Jedi, she's a scavenger, she's no one. _Not to him_ , she remembers, but there’s no certainty anymore. What does he think of her? Is she a deserter, a traitor? Is she left on the past? _Is she still anything to him?_

As doubts consume her, the bond buzzes - it’s closing. It's closing and _she doesn't want to go_. There's no garantee they will meet again, no certainty that the bond will stay - 

The last thing she can do is to offer a token of peace - Rey _hopes_ there’s still hope.

There’s no sleep for Rey that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, that was 'When you Wish Upon a Star'. I'm cheesy as fuck. #dealwithit
> 
> I suggest you listen the two videos I'll be putting bellow, if you want to get a better idea of what I was trying to describe.  
> The instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdXuDK2mPBY  
> The vocals: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQZcjc5WhmE
> 
> The inspiration for the box: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/DenvA
> 
> Rey's thoughts are a mess, but I'd blame that on her time undergrond, under constant pressure and lack of proper sleep.  
> Fear not - it will change soon.
> 
> Why do you guys think the bond re-opened? Do you think Ben is drinking because of her? :> Let me know!
> 
> (Did anyone get the WWE reference? I hope you did.)


	2. Lethargy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All he really remembers is sweet whispers on the dark, a soothing warmth around him, the tingling on his fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the delay - I was supposed to post this yesterday, but I didn't have the time.  
> Everybody ready for our favorite drama queen? Kylo Ren is finally getting to appear ~  
> I hope you enjoy!

****It’s the headache of the century.  
  
The curtains are wide open, making the light invade his room with no pity or mercy - it’s blinding, brutal. He blinks, groaning lowly as his corneas scream in protest; he has to cover his eyes for a moment, waiting for his brain to catch up with his body. Incredibly enough, the lingering feeling of alcohol he’s met every single morning - it’s not there. An inkling takes its place, like he had a nice dream.  
  
He doesn’t know. It never happened before.  
  
The content of it is vague, unformed. He can only recall fragments; the harder he tries to envision it, the more it vanishes like mist. All he really remembers is sweet whispers on the dark, a soothing warmth around him, the tingling on his fingers. He sighs, very uncontent as he remembers his schedule for the day. The First Order’s new Counsel is being formed and it's surprisingly hard to find minimally competent people; he's surprised Snoke endured for so long on his throne, having only military to serve him - not one politician. For someone like himself, who had actual background on the area, it was clear as day that Snoke was threading neglectfully on his rule - if not for Hux’s keen attention to the financial balance of the Order, for one, corruption and treason would have trived. Snoke sat upon a fragile pyramid.  
  
Maybe his late master would have fallen one way or the other; it’s very hard for a leader without political experience to stay in power for too long. Palpatine, on the other hand, was very keen, very astute. It didn’t came to him as a surprise that his grandfather chose to follow him - even though there are some speculations about why Vader did not try to tag his family along. Kylo never knew.   
  
What he knows is that there's no regrets in killing Snoke - _regardless of the circumstances_ \- as he draws away his covers.   
  
Covers?  
  
He frowns, looking down. The thing he _clearly_ remembers is sleeping on the chair. Hours before, General Hux’s new appointed member made a fool of himself at the Counsel, suggesting barbarities that only a fool grown mongrel’s brain could be capable of manufacturing. 

The new Supreme Leader tried to stay away from the habit of force-choking his subjects as the poor, _spoiled_ high collars that were new addition on his table couldn't bear the sight of it. But the buffon just _had_ to defend that they should raise the taxes among already highly criminal, oppressed and _unsatisfied_ systems from the outer rim. To the Coruscantian patrician it probably sounded like the greatest idea ever, and a significant amount of the table had dangerously smiles growing with the promise of money. Ren had been left with little choice - to choke him was more of teaching a lesson and less of an anger outburst. Kylo barely even hurt him. 

There was no reason for the rest of the table gasp in open panic.

 _Pathetic, mindless money hungry cretins_ . _They know nothing of politics_.

Having to re-evaluate _all_ his new supporters, for the umpteenth time - that promised his insomnia. Meditation did no good, the relief never lasted; destroying the ship became a bit off-limits - Hux threatened to revoke his vow of obedience and start a riot in case he had to replace anymore panels. _And_ he was making sure of extorting him from any inflicted damage. 

He isn't proud of drinking, but it's been hard to find an alternative. It’s been his sleeping pill for months. After Crait. 

After _her_.

The chair became his new bed, because lying down on his actual was maddening - he could not sleep. It was like lying in needles, even if he had the most comfortable mattress in the galaxy. It was getting ridiculous - he was the Master Kylo of the Ren knights, now Master of the _galaxy_ . He had not the time to have _sensibilities_. Yet, nothing satiated the dread of anticipation of lying down on it - only whisky. 

Drink, pour up, sit down, sleep. 

That was his routine. Taking covers _was not_ and _is not_ part of it. No one had access to his chamber, he thinks, because he would know. There’s Hux, who has access to most codes regarding the First Order’s affairs, but Kylo doubted he would try and break in. Especially to make sure he’s comfortable - no, that’s likely impossible. Since adolescence Armitage made sure to be as disagreeable as possible. Kylo reasons that _if_ he did have a crack code to break into his chambers, it would be to kill and overthrow him. So, either he has been sleepwalking _or_ Armitage is trying to put on some weird type of prank. The second is more likely.

But a third possibility sits by his bed.

“What on-” He strides quickly to it, in such quick haste he actually trips on the bed sheets. It’s ungraceful but he doesn't care as a shape becomes more defined as he blinks: it’s a holoprojector. A _very_ familiar one. It was turned off, but the design was just too-

It used to be his.

His mother gave him an old chest that used to be hers, when he was a child, and he spent countless nights in awe with the collection - he could recognize it _anywhere_. It's an Organa relic.

He pushes the button out of pure spite.

 _Alderaan_ . The planet his grandfather destroyed, that his mother couldn't save. A legacy of his own, that inexplicably came back to his rightful hands. Was it a message? Is General Organa _toying_ with him? His rage flares as his hands squeeze around the polished surface, ready to throw it at the wall- 

_Anything your heart desires will come to you._

He feels it; _her_ energy around it. 

_Her hands kindly cradle it, putting it on her own lap, and she gazes at it like a child would gaze to a falling star._

It can't be, it _can't_. The bond - it's closed, she made her decision. She's shut him out.

Why come back now? 

To haunt him, _to - taunt him_? 

She is with the Resistance, after all; they're enemies at war. There's no doubt Organa and Solo could corrupt her, turn her against him.

Kylo's knees give up, he falls to the bed. It's the cruelest thing he could ever suffer.

  
xx

  
Rey is waiting.

She doesn't know _what_ , but there's anticipation building up her stomach. There’s no telling about the nature of what’s to come - just the premonition that something will. It both haunts and soothes Rey, driving her to a point of anxiety that no meditation could get rid of. She hopes, faintly, that it has to be with _Ben_ . She dreads that it could be about _Kylo_.

One _Skywalker_ comes to the rescue after breakfast.

“Someone spent their night appreciating my gifts.” Muses the General, ignorantly taking the Jedi’s dark circles for the excitement of a child that can’t stop reading a book overnight. To further mislead Leia, Rey blushes - she’s somewhat right, but the High Galactic is too much of a challenge, above the Jedi’s knowledge; it's not the books who kept her from sleep. _She doesn't want to know_. “Well, if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

 _Happy_ . So is that how she feels? Is it the thing keeping her afflicted? Rey searches her thoughts - it’s true. But only partly. There's also terror, hesitance, delight, a _thrill_ \- The scavenger doesn't know how much of the feelings are hers. She hopes her years of internalizing emotions can help her produce an even smile, but doubts Leia can be made a fool of. 

Her shining brown eyes tell Rey so.

“Thank you, again.” She heaves, putting her hazel ones somewhere else. Rey takes a great amount of air to force herself to relax. “I- Sorry for the crying before, I don’t really know what came over me.” 

She knows. She feels too much, but can't talk about it - she's pressured, tired, _burnt out_. Yes, Rose was right. 

“No need.” Leia sways a hand and gestures the young woman to sit. “While I’m glad you took your leave quite well-” Rey does not blush this time around, but twitches her fists under the table. _If only you knew, Leia. I’m so sorry._ “I have a mission for you. Well, let me reformulate- A favor.” The green-hazel-eyed woman raises her eyebrows in expectancy - ready to do almost anything. _She will_. Leia’s heart clenches at the recognition of that look - it’s one her son once bore, even if too long ago. “It's your vacation we're going to discuss.” 

Rey blinks.

"Oh. But - I don't think I understand."

Vacations is a foreign concept for her; every single day of her life since Jakku was a day of work - she never had a break. Yes, the General had mentioned something about the night before, but Rey was much more concerned about her first gift than with the use of that word. She inhales once more.

“I want you to leave the Resistance’s base with Han.” _Yes_ , she muses to herself, _it will be good. For both of them_.

"But what about my post in the mechanics- Is it really going to be alright? They will notice that I am gone." 

She worries her lip, uncertain; Rey fears that her leave could lead to trouble among her fellow comrades. _Poe_ , she thinks, _Poe won't like it at all_.

"You don't need to worry. I will take care of everything." She's confident, by the way she talks. Rey wonders for how long she thought about it. 

"I think you need to take a break from the Resistance. It occurred to me that while you're being awfully helpful, I'm keeping you from working on what _you_ need." She gives a short laugh, then. "I did the same with my brother, long ago. Always pestering him with missions, plans…He was just as talented as a pilot as you are as a mechanic. Surprised?" Leia smiles as Rey tries to conceal it." There's only a few alive who remember it." She sighs, pausing as memories flow through her head. "Well- When I last met Luke, we talked about you."

Rey listens as she talks about his concerns, his fears, hopes and regrets; it's more than he ever shared with the scavenger, and part of her keens when Leia affirms he thought of her as a great student - but the elder pauses then.

"He told me your training is not yet complete, that you still need to pass through some probations." Rey has difficulty in swallowing. "And I have a feeling that you might have something you want to do."

There's a pause.

"Do you?"

Rey nods late, only then perceiving that Leia means to know what it could be about.

"My- the saber. I need to fix it."

The kyber crystal was destroyed, lost; there was no way to remake the original one. She needs a new one, one that truly _belongs_ to her, that she will have complete authority over. _There's a way to do it_. 

Leia waits, and Rey lowers her head as she notices that she broke the last _memento_ of Luke. No - _They broke it_. Her stomach does weird things that overall feel uncomfortable.

"How can you do that?" 

Rey dares look at her again. She wavers, but still her lips tilt up against her own accord. 

_The Force is compelling her to do something_ . _She must concede_.

“Ilum." She mutters to herself, then gets up to face Leia with new purpose. "How do you think Han would like Ilum?”

Chocolat orbs gleam in sheer pleasure.  
  
“He’ll hate every minute of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leia loves to watch her husband suffer.


	3. Bedtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s something tugging at his chest.  
> The whole day.  
> It’s terribly perturbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I'm late! I caught a little caught up with another fic I've been writing - a Reylo also, but this time it's an AU. If you're interested, soon I'll make the link avaible here on the chapter notes. 
> 
> And, finally, some reylo action. Or maybe not. (lol)
> 
> Edit: I'm really sorry about editing the chapters over and over again, but you gotta understand that I'm just a little gremlin trying to write a fic - all this buttons and paragraphs and text adjustment are above my IQ. I'm doing my best for you all! <3

“I hate cold planets.” It’s the 24th time that Han complains about Ilum’s weather condition and they’ve not even left the base yet.  
He received the news three days ago, over another dinner. Leia laughed when he paled at the news, and then stories about the birth of this hateful relationship were promptly shared on the table - not by Han, not at all. It would be tragic, if not insanely comical. Leia seemed to have a real good time in annoying her husband and they went into midnight with it.  
  
Afterwards she asked Rey to count, from the next day to the end of the trip, how many times he would complain about cold and how he hates it. It barely even counts as a favor - it’s what keeps Rey amused but grounded as she prepares to leave the base.  
It’s been one year since she last saw the stars. Adrenaline is rushing through her veins and she tries to keep it quiet - the excitement, the joy of freedom - just as the texts instructed. She _can't_ feel passionate - so counting is her way to go.  
  
It's not working so well.  
  
She could barely keep her eyes closed for the night before; as the clock showed the number five on his visor, she quickly leaped out of bed and rushed to make a bag: the texts, the broken saber, a few changes of clothes, her quarterstaff, her pills- That’s basically it. Still as frugal as she was while in Jakku.  
  
The only great addiction was with one particular set of audios she brought along in a simple vessel; Rey had not the heart to bring Leia’s books and holoprojectors along, fearful of losing them. When the scavenger accidentally voiced her preoccupations to the General she offered - and _insisted_ \- herself to record some of the stories like an audiobook. Resistance was just useless, and so Leia both spared Rey from trying to decipher High Galactic and from being bored. She would be gone for a month or so, if everything went alright - Rey has high hopes it will. There’s no safer ship than the Falcon, a 'piece of junk' that does an amazing job in keeping them in low profile, despite its outdated style. And, of course, there’s no better crew than Han and Chewie. They were both experienced, smart and unpredictable and Rey - Rey just hopes she will help. A self-imposed training is due, and the journey will provide it.  
  
It’s not like what Luke taught is useless, not really; the real issue is Rey’s consistency. At times she could lift rocks that together weigh about a ton; in the next one, she would have trouble just tuning herself with the Force. It was tiring, really, especially with the little time she had spare to train. She misses her old Master, even if just for egotistical reasons. She silently, sourly admits to herself - she needs a teacher.  
  
Sometimes it feels like a lost cause.  
  
Without a proper Jedi master’s guidance, there was no way she could advance to become one. Her title was honorary, at the end of things; she did not pass the trial, if the cave of mirrors was the thing itself. She went out of it without feeling she prevailed, and still feels like it. Her gut feeling is probably right, if her current struggling is anything to go by. She’s still a padawan, and a masterless one. She still needs a teacher.  
She wonders what would be like if she said yes.  
  
“Not now, Rey.” No one hears her say that, not when she’s finally on her determined room. It’s ironic, really, that she has to stay where Ben Solo used to sleep. You know, the one she’s trying to get her mind out of.  
The - his - signature is vague and faded, but she could recognize it anywhere. Well, there was always the couch and the cockpit to sleep at, but she selfishly considers that a soft mattress to sleep at is mandatory. Her mind rationalized that if sleep was being difficult by itself, there’s no use to complicate it further.  
  
It’s not like he’d come.  
  
Still, there's something on the back of her mind that mocks her sense of security.  
  
_Careful with what you wish_.  
  
The scavenger bites her lip, shaking a no to no one. She’s not wishing for anything.  
Before the bond, she could stand the room just fine. There was time thoroughly spent with the duo back at the command room, when they were hiding BB-8 and it’s map; more than six months in total. Her current room was assigned to her because Finn, at the time, insisted he could go without a proper bed - his tired eyes in the first morning after told her otherwise.  
  
She misses it, if only a bit, the time before everything. She missed being somewhat normal, that is, because Rey never really felt like it.  
While orphans are not uncommon at all, at least some get foster families. Rey didn’t. She was mostly her own parent growing up - and still managed to survive it. Good or bad, that was certainly against the odds.  
  
The actual ‘normality’ she misses is the simplicity of her old life, the freedom of stretching her legs, the thrill of hunting for treasure. She does not miss the part of her old normality that was waiting for the parents who left her there - that would never want her back.  
At the end, her old life resulted from being thrown away like garbage.  
  
“Right.” She smiles to herself, resentful. She needs to leave it behind, but the scars aren’t quite healed yet.  
The sigh echoes alone on the space, and she tentatively sits by the bed. It’s bigger than any bed she has ever been, including the one back on the base. The room itself is big; very well fit for someone to live there for long periods of time. Rey wonders how many years he spent there.  
  
An involuntary yawn leaves her mouth; her body is trying to remind her it’s been a week since she could get something else than naps. Her hands pat softly the mattress, still wondering how his childhood had been. Was he smaller, was he happier? Rey tries to imagine a more boyish version of Ben, a full smile. She never heard him laugh. He’s a mystery, even after all this time. One she desires to unravel. A tremor goes up her spine as she thinks of what her former master said.  
  
_You opened yourself to the Dark Side for a pair of pretty eyes!_  
  
No, she should have said; she opened herself to Ben Solo.  
  
“Rey! We’re leaving!”  
  
Chewie calls, but she understands him just fine. Rey shakes her head again. No more thinking of the past.  
  
She has something now.  
  
“Coming!”  
  
She smiles when figures wait for her by the ramp.  
  
Finn’s hugs are always the tightest, but Rey does not mind it at all; if feeds her familiarity, brotherhood, fellowship. He’s the brother she has always wanted.  
Rose’s, on the other hand, are softer, kinder; like she would never judge no matter what. Rey lowers her head as the small eyes promise just that. Like an older sister that promises to hold her hand no matter what happens.  
  
Leia joins them to say their goodbyes - there’s some seriousness in it, an odd look on her face as she considers Rey. Pondering. She is intimidated but holds the look, trying to feel neutral. She could do it. She breathes deeply - she’s a big girl and as such squares her shoulders when she comes closer, even with the wonder in the back of her head - does she know? Would she understand?  
  
There’s no answer, but the former princess seems to like what she sees.  
  
Rey relaxes as they embrace.  
  
“May the Force be with you.” She whispers, grasping her shoulders in an urgency that Rey does not understand. She whispers it back, reminding herself to smile - she’s suddenly hit by a strange feeling, and her heart races.  
  
“See ya later, babe.” Han winks, and Leia scoffs.  
  
“Don’t get your old ass into trouble.” She warns as the entrance closes, as the engine warms.  
  
“I make no promises.”  
  
_He never does._  
  
Leia smiles, and then they’re off.  
  
“I hate cold planets.” Han whispers - 26 times now, Rey knows. Chewie argues that first they’ll stop for buying necessities, and if counted the days it could be said that they would not stay that long. “That doesn’t make it any better.” Han grumbles back, but Rey’s eyes are set on the windows. “Are you ready, kid?”  
  
Her smile comes so wide it hurts her cheeks. Han gives her a short laugh and goes back to face ahead.  
  
“Buckle up, Rey. We’re going into hyperspace.”  
  
The word never sounded so sweet.

xx

There’s something tugging at his chest. The whole day.  
  
It’s terribly perturbing.  
  
“I’m finding it hard to keep going with this new approach.” Hux flat voice is annoying enough to distract him from it, but it never disappears. “Diplomacy, I mean.”  
It’s the first time he ever saw the ginger look tired. His orange locks are still hard as rock with pomade, but somehow it’s been looking more messy, less arranged. Ren supposes that death rays give him a better reason to style his hair than the word-wrestling of late.  
  
He wouldn’t know.  
  
_It_ keeps tugging.  
  
“Dictatorship is different from tyranny.” Ren offers, but feeling to be on a sour mood himself. Won’t it stop? “We need this, Hux, or else the First Order will fail.”  
  
The general looks defiant.  
  
Ren raises a brow.  
  
“Do you miss Snoke?”  
  
That shuts him up more efficiently than any Force-choke would.  
  
While Hux could let his sadistic side roam free while their old Master lived, the benefit of less scars outlived it. Breathing, breathing was also better. They could even slump in big chairs and look into the void without being scared of showing it to Snoke - their weakness.  
  
“We need better supporters.” It’s obvious, but neither of them had voiced it yet. It’s a situation that has repeated itself for too long now - they were once swarmed by support once the New Republic was dutifully exterminated, but as time passed, even when still at Snoke’s command, it started to dwindle.  
What started as a small fallout now was starting to fall apart. Ren knew that doubt grew as to his quality as a leader, or at least as how he could lead a new Empire with the decisions he was making. Very different from Palpatine, more alike Darth Vader. Still, even Kylo is wondering if he’s taking the right path at all.  
  
Thankfully the mood lightens up when the orange cat appears, ghost-like, from under the table to the other man’s lap. Kylo prefers not to ask where, why or when he got it - as long as it kept away from him, all was nice and neat. He’d rather admire it from a distance.  
His heart race raises for no evident reason, making him look beyond the tall, impenetrable glass of the meeting room. Hux’s presence was merely tolerable at best, so there was no illusion of that being the cause. Animals never struck his fancy either, thank you very much. It could probably be the anticipation to bedtime, but strangely this didn’t felt as dread.  
  
“Bring be new names tomorrow.” He decides, getting up. His back hurts, and there’s the suspicion that his bad habits are catching up with him. When the ginger glares, he fights the urge to rolls his eyes. “I know you have another list on stand by, but I want you to make a new one.”  
  
“Are you reading my mind?” His eyes are squinted at his sworn leader, fearful, yet with scorn.  
  
“I wouldn’t want to engage in such a boring experience so, no, but I have no need to do so.” He raises a brow. “You’re not very good at concealing emotions as you think you are.”  
  
“You’re saying it just because you use the Force.” He mutters, but gets up as well. The cat stays on his arms. “I will search more tomorrow, but I believe we need another strategy. Think of it.”  
  
Kylo glares. But his heart rate slows down.  
  
“I beg of you, Supreme Leader.” He sighs, far too tired to deal with Ren’s insubordination issues.  
  
“I am already into an analysis. You’re dismissed.” He waves, eyes now on the fire of the meeting room. He hears and feels his second in command obey the order quite happily - he’s in haste to sleep.  
  
Ren cannot share the same happiness of the prospect of a bed.  
  
_The tug gets stronger._  
  
With a resigned huff, he decides to go back to his chambers. There’s no urgency in filling a cup, but he supposes an investigation of whatever that was could at least ease the constriction in his chest.  
  
His steps echo away in the empty halls of his quarters. There’s more rooms on his domain, now, and so it makes Ren feel less claustrophobic; a new, wide training room, a kitchen, a living room that was only catching dust. Two more were now his, but there’s nothing in there yet. He faintly hopes they will have a use someday.  
His bedroom is the last door in the long corridor, so that it makes Kylo feel like he’s walking for too long. His thoughts are troubled, inconsistent and tempestuous when he reaches the door’s painel, thinking only of how he would need to sell himself to make his campaign flourish-  
  
The tug is now spreading - his hands, his head, his legs and feet all feel buzzing, warm with the sensation of something so strange he has no name for it. He lets himself in.  
  
It is his room, but not his present one.  
  
It reeks of childhood, of teen years- That piece of junk always felt way too small to his rapid, awkward grown. There’s still some ancient posters on the walls, on the ceiling, on the wardrobe. His attention, however, is captured rapidly to something else - someone else.  
  
Rey.  
  
_Rey_ is asleep, or so it seems; the rise and fall of her chest is even, her signature is smooth, if a little shy. She's wearing earbuds, listening to something that keeps playing in the reproducer. She slept listening to it. There's a lamplight that allows him to see her better. At first glance he can tell that she is different. Paler, thinner, somehow diminished. Her nose, in closer inspection, is scrunched up for a reason only her dreams would know. She’s laying so small on his old bed, doubled over in a fetal position as she hugs a pillow. His heart clenches.  
  
He retracts the hand that automatically raised on her direction. He had no right to touch her, not after everything. His hand tenses up on a fist.  
  
There’s nothing he can do now, so he just waits.  
  
He's not very good at it.  
  
His face does not betray the turmoil inside of him aside from the slight down-curving of his mouth. He’s angry, heartbroken, flabbergasted, elated, furious, tempestuous - trembling on his feet like a volcano waiting to explode.  
  
But he doesn’t. And Rey does not awake.  
  
Time passes, but he does not know how much - does not care how much, because he’s finally allowed to see her. Kylo knows that she did not cause it on purpose, but it doesn’t really matter - he longed to meet her again. Too hard. Too much.  
  
He tries to memorize each centimeter of her, as if this is about to end, as if it's only just a dream.  
  
Rey hugs the pillow tighter.  
  
It stings vividly that last time he tried to kill her - wanted to. He almost did it; but something pulled him back - perhaps the knowledge that her death would be his. That he wouldn't be able to carry on - that he would be nothing more than a monster. Perhaps she was right, and there was still good on him, and this part screamed on his ears he had neither the right to destroy nor to keep her.  
  
So he let her go.  
  
He does not own her, never did. She was her own person, and it took a while to understand that even if the bond made them closer than a pair of twins, it still meant she could still choose to go away.  
  
_Because why would she stay?_  
  
Rey is the new hope, the last Jedi. She's the embodiment of the soaring blinding light of the dawn that drives the night away. That's why she had no choice but to go away. He is the irredeemable villain. She's the immaculate hero.  
  
_So why she came back?_  
  
They are rebonded, he knows. That was what that tug on his chest was. It started a few days ago, but only today he felt it to the maximum, for whatever reason. He hurts as she breathes, but that's fine. She's fine, he tells himself. Safe. Guarded. Uharmed.  
  
It is much more than he ever did for her.  
  
He blinks away what could be tears as he lets himself concentrate at the sound of her soft snoring; it soothes him like nothing would. He bends on one knee in silent adoration;   
it is pain, not having her, not touching her, but he would bear it.  
  
"No." Her voice breaks the silence, and Kylo is suddenly alert. She still sleeps, but there's nothing great about it; he feels it, the fear, and it tears him apart. He wills his muscles to move away because perhaps he was causing the nightmare, or his darkness was. But she whimpers, and he stops. "No."  
  
There's tears on her eyes, and her body tenses in an unnatural way. There's a very vivid resemblance to how she struggles - she was writhing on the ground, his old master smiling - it makes him desperate.  
  
The farther he takes his step from her, the more she gets frantic - he can't leave. Not at all.  
  
"Rey." He hears himself whisper, deciding to get closer. She's fights better when he does, he feels it, so he tries it again. "Rey. Wake up."  
He's terrified of the idea, of course - but anything is better than to watch her in pain. He will never let it happen again. He decides, then; for better or worse, she has to wake up.  
  
"Rey." He reaches again, this time with his hands too; thankfully there's the gloves when he touches her shoulder, so it doesn't make his chest burn. "Rey."  
She stops moving, yet her breathing gets ragged. His bond mate heaves, and he panics with her, shaking her shoulders with intent this time.  
  
"It's not real. Stop it- _Wake up_!"  
  
She does.  
  
Her hands grasp to his shirt, gasping for air like someone who was drowning, and then opens her eyes, terrified - until she stops to look at him.  
  
For a moment, everything stands still.  
  
As she wakes her eyes widen until they are almost falling out of their sockets; he would laugh, if he had the humor. But he doesn't; he instead stops breathing when he notices the fear doesn't spike, on the contrary: it vanishes. Her hands grip his clothes impossibly tighter.  
  
As if to test if he was real.  
  
"Ben." She calls to him, still dazed, searching for something in his face that he doesn't know what it is. He understands, then, that she wants a confirmation but as the Supreme Leader simply can't breathe, his answer is a mere nod.  
  
She actually smiles.  
  
"You're here." She nods to herself, eyeing him for a while. She can see his moles, his aquiline nose, his eyes - there's a look on them that makes her inwardly quiver.  
  
He's there.  
  
Then she notices - she's on his old room, old bed, clutching him for dear life while he looms on top of her. Rey releases him like she's burnt, and surely her cheeks do feel like   
it. "I- Huh- Sorry."  
  
He doesn't answer, but thinks - for what? He has no attachment to his room, he couldn’t blame her drawn to the Resistance and she didn't break his heart.  
  
Kylo did so by himself.  
  
He retreats to a safer position, not trusting himself to think.  
  
The silence that follows is maddening to Rey - he simply stares at her - so she impulsively opens her mouth and lets it speak.  
  
"I didn't mean to claim your old room, but there's not- Oh." She pales, connecting the dots. He must be appalled. She's really taking over his life. "I didn't mean to- I just-"  
  
"It's fine." He accomplishes to sound calm, even if his whole body is not.  
  
But it's the truth - it's fine. There is no one else he would feel comfortable giving his room to. His eyes fall upon her messy hair, how she sits so easily on it like he was not what he is. She looks somewhat mousy, but nonetheless comfortable. He tears his eyes apart from her when something starts soaring inside.  
Rey inhales - he talked. Spoke to her. She gazes at it in the dimly lit room, find some kind of reassurance on his presence, on his figure, on his voice. He's there, an arm away from her.  
  
"I'm going to Ilum." He snaps his head so hard at her it makes her jump a bit. _Was that a bone cracking?_  
  
She knows this is probably a bad idea - to talk before thinking - but she gets what she wants. There it is, the focus, the barely contained intensity. She didn't want him to drift away without taking a chance.  
  
His eyes on her are a storm - unstoppable, untamed. It makes her want to squirm, but she just square her shoulders. She's a big girl.  
  
"What?" It's almost vicious, the way he speaks, yet she doesn't wince. She just blinks, and then continues to talk - she has no idea what she's doing. He could pinpoint where she was, get there, destroy her - but even as he looks like a beast ready to lunge at prey, she feels strangely secure.  
The Force tells her to keep going, and in the Force she trusts.  
  
"I'm going to rebuild the lightsaber." The one that was meant to be his, like his room, like her life. She fights off the guilt. Now is not the time. "I'll find a crystal there."  
  
"Why are you telling me this?" He rises, full height, staring down at her and demanding an answer. She isn't afraid. Calmly, Rey gazes up as she wonders for a second. There is another thing she realized from the mirror cave, aside that she was not ready - she's not so great she's above asking for help. That she is no god. As everyone else Rey fails, has flaws, needs the people around her. She needs-  
  
"I need help."  
  
She is just Rey from Jakku, a scavenger with a responsibility she does not feel ready for. She needs a friend, a guide, someone who can understand her inner struggles. Him.  
  
She needs him.  
  
She's hit with his sign of impatience - his jaw, the thing he does with his jaw - so she reformulates.  
  
"I need a teacher."  
  
_That_ seems to hit him like cold water in hot metal. His eyes are so wide - she almost grins, feeling accomplished. Rey can almost picture the steam escaping from his ears. Yet she only patiently blinks, accessing him.  
  
He stays silent all the while. She can wait. _She's pretty good at it_.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Rey knows he's asking more than one question - her palms start to sweat. There's too many because, but now is not the time. Only one matters: she's trying again because she needs to. They need her to.  
  
She can do this. Rey will not fail him again.  
  
"I can't learn on my own." She presses, knowing his initial resistance is now faltering.  
  
_Only a little more._  
  
"And if I need a teacher… I wish it to be you."  
  
He stares, waiting a catch. Well, the catch is that there's not anyone around that could teach her, but this isn't the main point. She's doing it to try to repair the bridge she burnt.  
Silent prevails, but Rey can't bring herself to say more - not now. She keeps looking back at him, hugging her legs. She lets them go when he opens his mouth again.  
  
"I thought you wanted nothing to do with the dark side." He roughly counters and everything about him is tense and Rey knows better than to bristle at his tone.  
  
"Will you?" She answers evenly, eyeing him with an open, yearning expression.  
  
"Will I what?" Her spine straightens as his voice trembles. She sees his fist twitching.  
  
"Make me descend." She whispers, putting a hand to her chest. His signature - it’s dark, but he’s not fallen completely. Rey is hanging by this thread, hoping to help his light to flourish, but ready to understand his dark rather than fighting it. It is there, when he deflates with the question made. When he lowers his eyes to his hands, when he sighs. He’s starting to pace but Rey doesn't move, because she has hope, because she's really great at two things.  
  
"No."  
  
She holds her breath, clutching the bedsheets on her hand.  
  
"No what? You won't teach me?" She's eager, he can tell, he can feel - but it's just quite unnecessary for her to crawl towards him. He clears his throat, looks somewhere else.  
  
"I won't make you fall."  
  
He promises, even if he bleeds inside. She might not join him, but she will be by his side. He falters, then, with the smile he receives - Kylo wonders what he could make differently to see it sooner. It's the birth of a star, the singing of birds, the break of dawn itself. He would change everything.  
  
He will do anything.  
  
"I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any interest, the cold situation was inspired by this: https://readcomiconline.to/Comic/Star-Wars-2015/Annual-3?id=121899  
> And this: https://br.pinterest.com/pin/344736546458840429/feedback/?invite_code=1d521291e53e44039bc211f55d61f92b&sender_id=473933698195011413  
> I'd hate cold planets too.
> 
> Also, I have to say - our boy Ben did a good job in not popping a boner on the first bed he popped his first boners :v And yes, Rey is a tease.


	4. Sleepwalking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I know where you are._
> 
> Rey topples down in a cart when he speaks in her head. She apologizes, relieved that it results in no broken products - but the panic is still there while she looks around. 
> 
> It takes a few seconds to recognize his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm alive. I've been updating the fic recently, so don't worry! I have at least 3 more chapters already written. I just need to edit them (tough life without a beta reader ywy).  
> Enjoy my mild sexual innuendos! (hopefully :p)

**Sleepwalking**

"Han, I  _ told you _ I can afford it-"

He slams the credits on the seller's hand, striking a cheerful grin as he turns back to her again.

"You were saying?" 

Rey accepts her new clothes with a huff, muttering to herself something about 'men'. 

"I think she likes me."

Chewie eyes him back with an air of amusement, then gruffs something about the time.

"Yes, yes, we won't be late. Hey, huh,  _ kid _ !" The old pilot stops himself from saying her real name, but the gray clad figure turns to him anyway. "Don't wander too far or I will have to ask someone with a megaphone to call for ya." 

Chewie disapproves, using quite a number of colorful expressions.

"Kriff, Chewie, I'm kidding." Han grumbles, but Rey seems to get the message. 

She's probably annoyed, but there's no other way. They have to be discreet; which is, for a wookie, a Jedi and a  _ Solo  _ just intrinsically complicated.

Danger or not, she tries to make the best of the time. She has to stretch her legs a little bit, get a whiff of anything which isn't recycled air. 

Serenno isn't exactly the greatest choice for a pit stop, but its richness in supplies and favorable position - much closer to the Unknown Regions, inside the chaos of the Outer Rim - made it more difficult to be spotted. The market was big, yet underground enough that _it just might_ _be_ a black market. 

But there's something else. Since landing, there's a bad feeling on her heart that makes her slightly rub her chest. It's something in that clear air, on the bright green of the trees - something that  _ hides _ , like a snake measuring the distance to its prey.

_ I know where you are _ .

Rey topples down in a cart when he speaks in her head. She apologizes, relieved that it results in no broken products - but the panic is still there while she looks around. 

It takes a few seconds to recognize  _ his _ voice.

_ I'm reaching out _ .  _ Go back to the ship and reach back. _

"Get out of my head!" She whispers-sibilates, panicking while looking back to where Han and Chewie were. They had to get out of the market,  _ now _ .

"Han-  _ Han _ ." She whispers, coming as close to the pair as possible. " _ We need to go _ ."

Two nights before - first time in a year they spoke in civil terms - they had talked a bit more about her  _ lessons _ and about the ifs and buts that went along with it. 

_ First _ of all, Kylo was to leave the Resistance alone, as he has been doing for a while. He compromised not to attack until attacked first, but also made Rey promise not to search his mind for information about the First Order. She almost scoffs -  _ of course she wouldn't! _ \- but remembers they are at opposite sides at war. War was never kind, Kylo Ren knew it  _ too well _ . She grumbles a ‘fair enough’ and they move on. 

_ Second _ of all, he is not to send bounty hunters to track them - he compromised in not  _ actively  _ capturing them, but he had no say in whatever Han Solo got himself in the middle of.  _ Don't let him get in trouble _ , Rey had promised. She nodded in comprehension - Han Solo is a magnet to chaos.

_ Thirdly  _ and finally, he asked for her total compliance in the requests he would make. His motive is that he has taken the position of her teacher - a position of given power - and that he would be alert of her moves. If he told her to run, she would ask him to  _ where _ ; his reason being her safety first. To prove his sincerity, Ben opened himself for her - she searched his feelings just to be taken aback with how serious he was and  _ is  _ about it. 

So that's  _ why  _ she obediently comes back to the ship - Han and Chewie at her toes. She justifies she senses danger and that a retreat is the best option - they don't need more convincing after spotting a stormtrooper on patrol just outside the market. The trio sneaks away as quietly as possible.

_ That was close. _

The sudden buzz of the connection warns her of his presence, but Rey still jumps when he talks by the ramp.

"You're not alone." He muses as she enters the  _ Falcon _ , eyeing both his father and companion. Panic swells up again inside Rey's chest - they didn't agree on terms about the safety of whoever was on her surroundings - but he just stays put, staring at her in expectancy.

_ Oh.  _ She gets it then, giving Han an excuse before retreating to her rooms.  _ They have to be alone _ .

"Unless you want to be seen talking to the walls." He raises a brow, breaking his neutral demeanor to a hint of amusement.

"Out of my head!" She complains again, this time under her breath, marching with purpose to his- Her room.

"You were broadcasting." He answers, following Rey to the room. "So it's not mind reading as much as it's just listening to you talk."

She huffs but doesn't answer, checking the closed door first with an ear on it. No sound comes out of it.

"Soundproof." He offers, making her raise her brows. He sighs, shaking his head. "Solo is  _ loud _ . You would know."

"I don't doubt you."  _ Han is not so charming when he drinks _ . She muses, taking off the hood and veil to neatly leave them aside on his-  _ the _ bed. 

"Are you coming to where I am?" She asks with crossed arms, eyeing him in suspicion. 

"Are you inviting me to?" His brow rises again, and she quickly shakes her head. "Then I'm not."

"Oh. So why did you…?" She vaguely points back to the market, then scratches her head.

"Your safety.” He pauses, looking at her with a pointed look.  _ They’ve already discussed it _ . “There are troops of mine patrolling this area, searching for some bounty hunters that own money to the First Order. While I don't have  _ your _ head on a bounty, Han Solo just might. Resistance or not, he's got years and years of criminal acts and scams on his profile."

She nods, even if upset at it. Of course, he's a smuggler, so it shouldn't come to her as a surprise that he would have somebody hot on his trail. Rey eyes him with a question on her eyes.

"I wouldn't know." He's calm and collected and definitely  _ not _ tempted to soothe her with his hands. "But I wouldn't wait for it. Take the essentials and leave as soon as possible."

She sighs and nods, quietly wondering to herself if _he had always been_ _that_ _bossy_.

Kylo raises his eyebrows.

"You're wearing a cape." She notices then, backing away to a pouf. He’s  _ looming _ again, and she doesn’t know how to feel about it - not in the daylight. "Do you have to be somewhere?"

"I am  _ back  _ from somewhere." While he trusts her motives are pure and the terms are clear to both of them, he doesn't know how much about his routine he wants to share. 

Rey relaxes then. He furrows his eyebrows.

"Oh, I just don't want to take up your time." 

He just blinks. He had offered a place by his side, about a year ago - and now she’s worried she is a hindrance, of all things. 

_ Was he not clear enough about what he  _ meant  _ when he offered his hand?  _

"Huh, from your leadership stuff?" She tries again, but he remains perfectly still. 

He’s brooding.

"I mean, not that I really know what you're doing…"

"I don’t brood.” He grunts, crossing his arms. Rey is about to contest him, but he has a better idea. “I’m recruiting."

"What?"

"I’m making a Counsel. So I'm recruiting." 

"Oh. That's… Unexpected?"

"Why?"

"I thought Supreme Leaders didn't take advice?"

"They don't."

Rey looks at him like he just said that water is dry. Ren wants to grin.

“I don’t plan on holding the same position as my former master.” He tenses, hesitant about the words he’s about to say. “Dictators, on the other hand, take advice.”

He gives her time to process the information. The former Jakku resident takes air in quite sharply.

“Wait. Don’t be mad just yet.” He raises a finger and she  _ definitely  _ doesn’t like it - but concedes. “I don’t have the same plans of Snoke in driving the galaxy into a domain of pain, fear and suffering. I don’t plan to be a Sith. Never did.” It doesn’t  _ fix  _ anything, he knows, but it might start something better. Rey’s thin amount of hope shine through hazel eyes, and he is obliged to focus on something else. “I’m not nearly as incompetent as he was. Brute force by itself does not possess the ability to rule a galaxy for too long, and Snoke was never a politician, nor a strategist. With or without me, he was bound to fail.” He sighs, crossing his arms, feeling a bit tired of standing up - but he just could not sit by his old bed, and the old mobily didn’t have the size to accommodate his frame anymore. He could endure it, he’ve had worse. “I plan to make something different. And I don't plan to govern for life."

“Why are you telling me this?” She's just trying to get it; he isn't worried. Most people don't know what he is currently scheming, nor that he was going to ditch his actual title. But he  _ does _ have a plan, and means to share it with Rey. He means to share  _ everything _ .

“Should I start to hide things from my apprentice?”

Oh.  _ Oh _ . Rey was certainly not expecting  _ that _ . 

The term - she wasn't expecting it. It connotes emotional connection; be that of child and parent, of brothers, of  _ something else _ . She had simply thought that he accepted her request out of duty, or out of guilt; Rey got it in her head that she was just a way for his redemption. She was very ok with that. 

But he  _ chose _ that word and - the way he drags on the word, how  _ softly  _ it is spoken - Rey suddenly jumps up from her seat and clears her throat.

“Ok.” She claps her hands, feeling way too energetic and bothered to keep still. 

“Ok?” He eyes her back, something shining through his dark eyes - Rey wants to scream. Or hit him. Or both.

“The, the teaching.” She gesticulates curtly, crossing her arms again “We never talked about what it would actually be. I suppose you’re not making me lift rocks?”

Kylo scoffs.

“That was what my uncle taught you?” She swears hearing an ‘unbelievable’ coming out from his mouth while he rubs his nose and eyes on the active task of calming down his temper. Rey really appreciates that. “No. I’ll be teaching you how to actually  _ fight _ , as this is much more urgent.”

She considers him for a moment, and then their-  _ the _ room, she quickly corrects her thoughts, blushing so inadvertently that makes Kylo tilt his head. 

_ Damned pronouns! _

“You don’t need to be embarrassed of your swordsmanship.” She wants to say that she isn’t - she could fend herself well enough in Jakku,  _ thank you very much _ \- but then remembers he went easy on her back in the Starkiller Base. She would have lost completely, without the help of Han and Chewie, and perhaps Rey wouldn't have survived.  _ Not with Snoke alive _ . The fight against the Praetorian guards - it went a bit more successful, but Rey suspected it was a more instinctive and lucky fight than a well calculated,  _ efficient _ one. If she remembers well, she struggled against one guard while Ben fought three. 

_ It was a tad embarrassing, indeed _ .

“Rey.” He rumbles, taking her immediate attention. “Soon enough you will be greater than you know. I aim to make you to be greater than me.” 

“Ben, I-” 

“ _ Kylo _ . Please.” He asks, and the word is not lost into a simple act of asking. Rey sighs and nods.

He trembles quietly, hiding his hands on his cape. 

“I won’t have to call you master, will I?” She asks, feeling a bit cringy about it. He appreciates that she’s trying to distract him.

“No. I wouldn’t want you to.” 

“Thank you.” She smiles a bit timidly, still having her arms crossed. His presence is still awkward to her, he notes. 

Kylo intends to change that. _With_ _time_. 

No, he held no illusions that she would consider any feelings other than friendship regarding him; he was esthasic enough that she was eager to be by his side, whatever role she wanted him to fit. Yet Kylo would not fail this time - he was tired from being her enemy. There was one caveat, even so; being anything to her was better than being  _ no one _ at all.

The irony of his thoughts is not lost on him.

“Are you hungry?” 

The question is so mundane it makes him startle a bit. Rey is biting her lip with her shoulders up, clearly nervous; he wonders if she thinks he has unreasonable standards regarding food. He could cook, especially because of the constant risk of being poisoned. 

He could also handle ration, if that's what she was asking. He could handle  _ anything _ if it meant to spend more time with her.

“I could eat now.” 

He knows he lost weight, and that is apparent. She looks a bit thinner as well, but it worries him more; she was much more  _ petite _ than he ever could be; and while he still had muscle underneath his black uniform, he could see Rey lost a bit of her own on the period they spent apart. 

“Well, great.” She nods firmly, eyes accessing the door as she thought about what to do. Maybe he didn’t want to roam around the ship - it held a lot of memory, she could feel it. She even  _ saw  _ some of it. “How far do you think we can be apart with the bond open?”

“Not much.” It’s not like he couldn’t wait a little for her to go out and back in with food; it’s just that the mere thought of  _ being  _ apart while connected was much more hurtful than that with the bond closed. “I can go with you.”

“Is it really alright?” 

She presses her hands together, and he notes she isn’t worried about him only - there were two other occupants on the ship, after all. His heart sinks a bit.

“I promise to cause no harm to anyone in this ship.” 

Rey nods in relief - she  _ knows _ when he lies - and moves to the door panel. Kylo follows her mindlessly, like a moon gravitating towards a planet. 

It hasn’t changed that much, now that he has more time to notice. 

Some parts look changed; it was to be expected, since this thing Han Solo insisted on flying was non hyperbolically  _ ancient _ . The tour is short because Kylo doesn’t want to ponder too much in memories, nor stray away from Rey. He’s almost surprised when she abruptly stops - he does not bump into Rey because he’s just  _ very attuned _ to her, but they stay close. 

She takes a purposeful step back, centimeters from actually touching her back to his chest. He’s so focused on how  _ small  _ she seems in comparison to him, he doesn’t notice the new voice in the room.

“Oh! And who is this lovely lady over here?” Ben’s presence is very welcome to Rey, who instinctively reaches out his warmth. She's very comforted that he  _ looms _ now - at least in comparison to the newcomer - because Rey doesn’t like surprises and Rey doesn’t like strangers. 

The combination of  _ both  _ and Han’s subtle tension has her very much wired. Most of her brain is in  _ flight or fight _ mode, eyeing warily the expensive blaster on his belt; she stretches her senses and likes  _ even less _ that there is company outside, and the third member of her party is nowhere to be felt.

_ It feels like an ambush _ .

“Oh, that’s Rey.” Han speaks gruffly, eye twitching. The woman gulps, remembering that her old friend is  _ not very much liked by some _ , the faint sense of danger that she felt creeping on her heart back on the market.

The strange man gets up, walking to her direction - she actually bumps into Kylo this time, and does not show signs of  _ wanting _ to back up. He's a solid, constant presence that stills her building anxiety. She's unconsciously trying to hold into his calm, soak in his steadfast resolve.

Kylo curves into her.

“That’s Lando Calrissian.” He huffs into her hair, feeling very well aware of her state of alert - of  _ her  _ in general. “Old family friend. You don’t need to be alarmed.” If not so irked by both the sudden visit  _ and _ the explanation that Han does not provide, Ren would be much more tempted to answer her touch. 

He’s also mildly horrified that he wants to  _ purr  _ at the knowledge that Rey deems him safe, that she decided to retreat to him.

_ Yes. He can protect her. He will be worthy. _

“The Jedi I heard so much about.” He’s charming, or so Rey supposes; it’s very difficult for her to pinpoint what the word means, but she’s assuming he is the  _ thing _ . Lando stands his hand and if Ben’s presence wasn’t tranquil about it all, she would have not accepted it. 

A little voice in her mind suggests that's a little paranoid of her; her instincts order it to  _ shut up _ .

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Rey notes quickly what he means to do - to tilt her hand and do  _ something  _ with it - she tightens her grip and forces a handshake.

“Likewise.” She hears herself say, eyes boring into the man’s older eyes, searching for any sign of deception. 

Lando promptly smiles.

“I like her.” He turns to Han, who is very much grumpy about the whole situation. Rey quickly lets go of his hand, stepping forward again, away from Ben.  _ Sorry _ , she sends to him mentally - or so she tries. 

He is still close enough that she can feel his breath, and he answers with a whisper. 

“ _ Anytime _ .” 

His tone is different, not neutral - _not_ _ at all - _ but Rey can’t make sense of it because she's still a little on edge, and the conversation is ongoing again. 

“Back off, you despicable homewrecker. She’s taken.” Lando’s cackle almost drowns out the sound of both Kylo’s and Rey’s breaths hitching - she is clearly indignant, he is guiltily  _ thrilled _ . 

“I never took you for unfaithful, old man.” Rey opens her mouth to defend herself, but Han does the favor for her.

“Cause I’m not, you old fucker. I’m telling you she’s off limits  _ because  _ she’s like my own kid." The dark man pauses, sending a meaningful glance towards the pilot. Han sighs. "Sit down, Lando, you’re making her uncomfortable.”    
  


Rey stops breathing. She feels the tension emanating behind her, becoming both delighted and guilty that Han held such affection for her.  _ She stole everything from him _ . 

“I just came out for food.” The quicker it’s over, the better. There's this weird want to step back to Ben,  _ to the warmth _ , offer any type of comfort - but she knows better and stays where she is. She was already selfish in asking him to be her teacher; Rey had no right in asking for more. “Didn’t mean to intrude.”   
  


“Ah. Chewie has left to buy some take out - unless you’d be willing to cook?” He raises an eyebrow -  _ too  _ alike the man behind her - knowing very well she is basically useless on a kitchen. 

“I actually just came for rations.” She shifts, uncomfortable with so many eyes on her. 

“Can’t wait a few more minutes? Chewie can’t take too long by now.” He eyes a watch on his wrist, unperturbed.

_ What do you want to do _ ? She asks him, thinking that he must be the most uncomfortable in the situation. 

_ You can’t keep living out of rations and instantaneous food _ . Comes the mental, gruff response. She can’t look at him, but furrows her brow nonetheless. 

_ If you don’t wait for Chewbacca, I will cook for you myself _ .

“I-I’ll wait.” She quickly answers Han, a bit startled that he would suggest such a thing. “But, can I, huh…”  She vaguely points to a random direction.

“You can eat wherever you want, I don’t mind.” Han half-smiles, and she nods without great assurance. Even if she is making baby steps at asking for things, it still felt very much hard. 

“Thanks.” She knows she is being awkward, and decides to go back from the door to a more comfortable spot. For Ben, at least.    
  
_ The cockpit _ , he suggests as she turns around to him and the door. She promptly accepts it, only not eyeing him in fear of raising suspicions about her wandering eyes. He follows her effortlessly. 

_ Will it be alright _ ? She asks mentally, and he can sense her fretting even without the Force to tell him so. 

“What will?” He chooses to talk quietly, even if there was no one to hear him except his  _ apprentice _ . His chest swells dangerously at her new title, and he tries to focus on her turmoil. “You’re anxious.”

_ Well, I just- I didn’t mean to drag you into something you don’t want to be part of _ . She bites the nail on her thumb, a habit that he figures that should be an old one.  _ I didn’t think we would be aboard for a while, nor about how the lessons will like or your routine _ -   
  


“Stop fussing.” He sighs, trying to sound nonchalant. “I will arrange everything so that it fills both our needs. The schedule- I can solve it easily.” He pauses to let her enter first, the door being too small for both of them fit through at the same time. “As for being on the  _ Falcon _ … I can manage.” He heaves as she sits down on the pilot chair.  _ As long as she is there, he can endure anything _ . 

He doesn’t voice this part, though. 

Rey sits in the chair, nodding at what he says, but he knows she's sulking. 

“I want to teach you.” He kneels, aiming to be eye-level with her. “You’re not forcing me to do anything.”

Rey feels agitated that he’s kneeling to talk to her - not because she feels small, but worrying that he is demeaning himself to accommodate her. 

“I’m not fragile.” Her eyes fall on his scar, and then on the ground. “I can easily handle this… Setback. It's not like have been in worse situations before.” He gestures vividly - dramatically, like his mother. Rey grimaces at her own line of thought. “Do you trust me?”   
  
It surprises him how quickly she is sure of it.

“Yes.” She does. He sees it on her greenish eyes, how cloudless they are - it’s almost childlike, the faith she puts on him. He takes a sharp intake of air thinking that if his motives weren’t pure, she would be in danger and yet - he feels graced by it, so selfishly that he wants to keep it that way.  _ He will be worthy of it _ .

“Then stop beating yourself up for something that is not your fault.” She gives him a sad smile, and he frowns; she feels guilty, still, but he cannot pinpoint what exactly. 

“Alright.” She sighs, nodding obediently, eyeing him again with less grief. _ I suppose I can’t argue with you with my mouth full.  _

His eyebrows involuntary shoot up, and he’s about to let out a very obnoxious  _ excuse me?  _ when a familiar vocalization echoes behind the door. 

“Thanks, Chewie- Oh. You didn’t have to.” She jumps from her seat with a bit of excitement, mostly because of the tantalizing smell coming from the boxes he handles her. Kylo frowns. 

_ Did you order two _ ? 

She waits for the wookie’s full retreat before speaking again. 

“Well, huh… I tend to eat a lot in general.” She responds sheepishly, handing him a box. “I guess Chewie remembered that and gave me two.”

Kylo could very much argue with that, seeing how much she lost. It might be creepy of his part, but he estimates that she shed three or four kilograms; her arms look much softer, even if the outline of muscle was somewhat still visible. 

"Won't you need the extra plate?" He asks pensively - but she's already with the chopsticks on the food, and with food on her mouth.

Oh. So that's what she meant.

Rey chews with what he chooses to call  _ resolve _ ; she has probably grown with no idea of what table manners were, seeing that the desert was an unforgiving place. She would probably have to eat fast, putting as much as she could on her mouth to maximize efficiency. 

"Sorry." She answers after swallowing, retracting her shoulders in shame - and that's when he notes he's staring.

"Nothing to be sorry about." 

They eat in relative silence; Kylo was never a small talk person, Rey seems to be on her own world. It's pleasant, he decides. There's no pressure, no tension; the knowledge that Rey is eating quality food appeases so much it feels  _ strange _ . 

Suddenly there's a yawn, and he's almost finished.

"Sorry. I haven't been sleeping that well." She murmurs when he looks back at her.  _ He's staring again _ .

"You have to stop apologizing so easily. Especially to  _ me _ ." He grumbles, setting both their boxes aside. 

The expression she gives him is so frail it takes his breath away.

"Rey? Everything alright?"

It's Han who asks, but the same question remains inside him.

"Yes! I, huh, I was just getting to bed." There's a humming as an answer, and soon the footsteps sound distant.

_ Do you think he heard me?  _ She's fretting again, and it agitates Kylo.

_ Unlikely _ . He tries to sound as sure and calm as possible; it seems to work, as Rey's shoulder start to relax - perhaps a bit too much.  _ You should go back to your room _ .

_ Oh _ . She seems surprised, blinking away the sleepiness.  _ Yes, of course- Then, when will we see each other again _ ?

She almost sound anxious. Like she's actually  _ anticipating _ it.

_ As soon as possible. I might take a while to put things into order, but you will hear of me very soon _ . He pauses, eyeing her when she gets up.  _ You can always reach me first _ .

The blush on her cheeks is the final confirmation that she did in fact visit him on his sleep. He wants to smile.

_ Alright. I will see you soon _ .

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I tagged Rey as having social anxiety/being kinda paranoid? This part is important here.  
> I want to write characters who feel like real people - at least in some level - and I had to put myself on Rey's shoes for a bit in order to achieve that. So... My take on that is that Rey has been almost a hermit for a long part of her life. From my personal experience, these things don't disappear that quickly. She has friends now, but it means she's known them long enough so that she can trust them. I have social phobia and some level of paranoia (because of my anxiety) and I think that it is plausible Rey could have some of those issues.  
> That's why she falls back into Kylo: she knows him and she _trusts_ him. And more than that: they're a dyad. So it's less of her feeling like a damsel in distress and more of "oh shit, I can't just beat the shit out of everyone without harming my almost adoptive dad & uncle on the process. If this guy is real danger, I don't know how much I can do mind tricks and fuck, I'm having trouble connecting to the Force as it is because the past year has been pretty shit and all of this is making me NERVOUS" and then Kylo is right there, like a chill life boat, telling her that that guy with a blaster and troops outside is not an enemy. Make of that what you will ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> P.s.: Please note she is the one to initiate the contact. <3


End file.
